Thursday, April 21, 2011

Envy and Guilt

I am full of Envy and Guilt. Envy because I want to be all those amazing wives and mothers I know and Guilt because I am not them. You know the women who get the laundry done and put away in a timely manner. The ones who have unearthly patience with their children. They can craft and play all day long with no mental breakdown. Their houses are white glove clean and organized. Whose gardens dont die the day after being planted..... stupid plants.
Its not that i dont try. I pray and pray for patience and energy. When the morning come around I tell myself today I will be the wife and mother i so desperately want to be. And sometimes for an hour or so I am. But most days I look at what has to be done and i feel guilty because I dont want to do it. I dont want to do the dishes, fold the laundry and put it away. Honestly I dont know how so many clothes are used in one day! And the dust in this house! Everything could be dusted twice a day and the floors could be cleaned just as much! And when I fail and everything doesnt get done I cripple myself with guilt. Its a viscous circle. Right now I am thinking about the dishes in the sink that need to be washed and the fact that i havent put away the clean ones yet. And the clothes that need to be folded and put away. I am wondering how the boys can possibly be out of clean socks seeing as how i just washed and actually put away a dozen pairs a couple days ago! I think mother hood is the single hardest thing to do in the entire world. I am so worried about their teenage years! I cringe at all the things they will do or be tempted to do! Whew now is not the time to think about those things......... Except that I am molding their futures now with how we behave as a family now!
You know what? I need to just take a breather and focus on what I do actually  do for my family. It is easy to get caught up with how much every one else is doing and how they seem better at every thing.I need to look at where my family started and where we are now. And just how miraculous that is. When i stop now and think about how much I have grown and changed in just the last year it gives me renewed hope. My oldest son is getting better day by day. Yes the past still affects us the most but we are getting better. The lord is good. How easily I forget how different my life has been than others. For almost 10 years life was abnormal and if life can change and grow in this past year the way it has, why should i feel envy or guilt. I should feel proud and hopeful. Proud of how much we have grown and overcome. Hopeful for a full future. Hopeful that as I continue to grow as a person and overcome past circumstances that I will become the wife and mother I want to be. Hopeful that Noah will pull through his issues and that Ethan will continue to grow out of his autism. Emily was young enough I dont think things got her the way they did the rest of us.
Man I love this. I started this post very sad and am ending it proud, hopeful and really thankful. Awesome!
LIVE, LAUGH, and above all LOVE

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