Thursday, April 21, 2011

Envy and Guilt

I am full of Envy and Guilt. Envy because I want to be all those amazing wives and mothers I know and Guilt because I am not them. You know the women who get the laundry done and put away in a timely manner. The ones who have unearthly patience with their children. They can craft and play all day long with no mental breakdown. Their houses are white glove clean and organized. Whose gardens dont die the day after being planted..... stupid plants.
Its not that i dont try. I pray and pray for patience and energy. When the morning come around I tell myself today I will be the wife and mother i so desperately want to be. And sometimes for an hour or so I am. But most days I look at what has to be done and i feel guilty because I dont want to do it. I dont want to do the dishes, fold the laundry and put it away. Honestly I dont know how so many clothes are used in one day! And the dust in this house! Everything could be dusted twice a day and the floors could be cleaned just as much! And when I fail and everything doesnt get done I cripple myself with guilt. Its a viscous circle. Right now I am thinking about the dishes in the sink that need to be washed and the fact that i havent put away the clean ones yet. And the clothes that need to be folded and put away. I am wondering how the boys can possibly be out of clean socks seeing as how i just washed and actually put away a dozen pairs a couple days ago! I think mother hood is the single hardest thing to do in the entire world. I am so worried about their teenage years! I cringe at all the things they will do or be tempted to do! Whew now is not the time to think about those things......... Except that I am molding their futures now with how we behave as a family now!
You know what? I need to just take a breather and focus on what I do actually  do for my family. It is easy to get caught up with how much every one else is doing and how they seem better at every thing.I need to look at where my family started and where we are now. And just how miraculous that is. When i stop now and think about how much I have grown and changed in just the last year it gives me renewed hope. My oldest son is getting better day by day. Yes the past still affects us the most but we are getting better. The lord is good. How easily I forget how different my life has been than others. For almost 10 years life was abnormal and if life can change and grow in this past year the way it has, why should i feel envy or guilt. I should feel proud and hopeful. Proud of how much we have grown and overcome. Hopeful for a full future. Hopeful that as I continue to grow as a person and overcome past circumstances that I will become the wife and mother I want to be. Hopeful that Noah will pull through his issues and that Ethan will continue to grow out of his autism. Emily was young enough I dont think things got her the way they did the rest of us.
Man I love this. I started this post very sad and am ending it proud, hopeful and really thankful. Awesome!
LIVE, LAUGH, and above all LOVE

Friday, April 8, 2011


Monday I will be 28. I'm that much closer to 30! The funny thing is 30 frightens me but 40 does not. Who knows why?What does one do in their 30's? I think a big part of it is not being in my 20's anymore. You know an official grown up. Maybe it feels a little like the end of youth. But now that I think about it, I didnt care for most of my youth. Not that there wasn't good times, just far and few between. Most of the bad times were all caused by some stupid thing or things I did. Why should I be afraid of moving out of my youth. What a stupid time filled with stupid mistakes! How many of you look back now and say "If I knew then what I know now!"? The sad part now is watching young woman make the sames mistakes or worse ones. Why is it we feel invincible? Do we always have to make our own mistakes? I pray my kids never make the ones I did and still do. To be completely honest I think todays youth are far worse and way more self destructive than any of us were. Its not that they are growing up to fast, its just that they are being exposed to adult content in a morally void way. In there young minds they see what the world is showing and flock to it like sheep. I still am guilty of this at times. How can they be expected to do the right thing if we cant even teach them what the right thing is! My awesome friend Tiffany Miller wrote on her facebook "I wish people would realize that real love is greater, and safer than lust.."  
She is right on the mark with this one. Raise your hand if Lust has led you to pain, loss, brokenness?  Funny that i am on the subject of Love again. I think everything boils down to love or the lack of love.  Even the rebelliousness of our youth. If we loved them enough to shelter them from overt sexuality and the notion that random hook ups are ok. That drugs and alcohol are cool. Maybe if we hold onto them and tell them "You are special, you are perfect, not a single thing is wrong with you. God created you with a great purpose , He loves you and so do I!" Do you think that would help revolutionize the world? Do you think a lot of hurting would end? I think so. 
Well pray for me, and wish me luck... I am off to go practice what i preach.
LIVE LAUGH and above all LOVE

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Country Life and Love

Today I was in the shower thinking, honestly most of my ideas come to me in the shower, about  what i was going to write a blog about. I settled on the idea of love. Love is a tricky thing, it comes so easy for some things but so hard for others. For example it is easy to love my family but it is difficult to love politicians. Yeah my blog was going to be a rant about how we should love each other as we would want to be loved. After all dont we all just want to be loved? But then i thought what good will this do? Every one knows hate is bad but we all do it. I could say love as Jesus loves us, but what does that matter to people who dont believe in Jesus?Love could change the world thats for sure, but I look around and see the hardness in hearts. And thinking about it overwhelms my soul. So instead of preaching a message of how one should love I am going to just simply live it and hope it catches on as a way of life.
Speaking of ways of life, I just finished reading a novel based on the Amish. Those are some hard core people. A little to hard core for my modern tastes. They have this Family based system thats amazing. I have noticed the more dysfunctional the family, the more dysfunctional the individual. So in an effort to give my children the best I am going to focus on a more family based system than a worldy based system. Lets see the world tells us to get get get. It tells us we need things, status, money, lovers, and the newest of gadgets. Honestly there is nothing wrong with nice things, I like nice things. But to focus and strive for it instead of sturdy long lasting loving relationships is not how to build a happy future.I look at the life i  use to want and have and its silly. I was lonely all the time and hurting. Where as the life i have now is full of love and joy. and by the way maybe you dont have a blood family maybe its a group of loyal friends it doesnt matter. Or maybe you have family and you all dont get along for some reason or another, maybe try to reconnect. I know i am getting off the topic here......  The problem here is i have a lot to say and i tend to trail off . 
OK so family matters and thats where my country life comes in. I wont lie it is easier when you are disconnected from the hustle and bustle of city life it is easier to think about what really matters. For me when i am in wide open spaces my soul quiets and i can feel God and His love, when that happens i have more love to give to my family. Its when i can look at a project like moving a chicken coop and starting a garden not as a lot of work but as a time to come together as a family and share each others company. to laugh and have a great time. This past weekend I went to my In laws house to move the chicken coop so we can plant a larger garden. It was a hot long weekend and i was sick and got a sunburn, but I had a blast. We had some laughs and the cousins got to run around in the fresh country air and play their little hearts out. And when the coop was moved and the yard was up around it we got to chase the birds down in the dark and put them all in. It sounds like a lot of work, and it was, but we all laughed and acted like kids. Nathan dove into the dirt at one point in time trying to catch a duck. We were down on our hands and knees looking under trucks for renegade fowl. A former marine screamed and ran from a flock of geese. I got pooped on by a chicken. it was so fun! Honestly I have totally lost my train of thought and so I am going to stop writing before I confuse you any more than I already have. Maybe next time i will write it out on paper first and edit it before it goes up for you.
Live, Laugh, and above all LOVE.